The feels... Of all the parts of us that arrive at any cross roads in our lives, the shadows and the feels have the best punctuality. Of all the aspects, they have a tendency to always show up for us. The Feels. Feelings. Raw and unadulterated emotion. Sticky shadows. The ugly bits. As we have moved into a new year and a new age of ourselves, we’re faced with the task of defining our truth. All the parts of our being that we often deny – our impulses, desires, sadnesses, guilts, regrets; all our feels seem to be coming up to the surface. I find this fascinating – and it’s taken me a couple days to wrap my brain around it..
The other day, I was sitting and kind of reviewing my own emotional state. Recognizing my own sadness or confusion came to me by way of exploring my sensations of resistance. I have a very long to do list, as we all do, but for the life of me, I couldn’t look at it. I couldn’t even put it out in the open. Just knowing it exists was enough to create heightened states of anxiety and frustration. When I sat down and really looked at it, it wasn’t that the list itself is compiled of excruciating tasks or laborious ideas and actions. On the contrary, it’s all things I’m passionate and excited about. Writing, planning, organizing. Yoga. But why then do I feel so afraid of it? Why do I feel so overwhelmed by it? And why on earth does being overwhelmed by the prospect of completing these tasks suddenly make me feel as though this very moment is boring and underwhelming… and then what am I supposed to do with THAT? Are you confused by this too?
It’s not that I’m overwhelmed by the work, it’s that I’m overwhelmed by the fear of doing the work. When I look at this list, I see work toward things I care very deeply about; namely The Daana Days and Yoga. It’s at this moment that I begin to feel fear around them because I’ve started to wonder about their possible failure. I’ve started to doubt that I’m even close to strong enough, smart enough, or clever enough to pull these things off in the way I wish to. Now I see it fully, I’m dancing to a slow sad song with my inadequacy shadows. As we move and spin, I feel less and less powerful and more and more inadequate. More and more, my natural inclination is to believe I am incapable. By taking a deep breath and looking closely at that shadow, I see a long history of my habits resurfacing. I see the self sabotaging version of myself lifting her head out of the dark waters of my subconscious and inviting me in to swim.
So what do I do? Usually, I would deny her (which doesn’t make her go away…). Say she doesn’t exist and sit quietly on the sidelines suffering from her presence by denying its influence over my actions. The feels cannot be ignored – not matter how hard we try. This time around, I’ve decided to come into the water and learn how to swim with this shadow as my teacher. Learn why I feel inadequate – what in my life is truly feeding that feeling – and relearn my true gifts, my true power, and my true extraordinary adequacy. Instead of conceding to this idea that I am not good enough, I’m going to learn that feeling deeply so I can prove to myself the opposite. Finally dispelling my subconscious of the need for more and the notion that more is a solution, I will come to a place where now is enough. I am enough. This is enough to do the job of this life fully, profoundly, and beautifully. I can then start the work of learning, of moving, and of growing without the fear of not enough. I will have clear vision forward toward the goal as these emotions can be released and I can get out of my way.
I then started thinking about it more wondered if it’s just me..Curious about what’s going on in a collective consciousness kind of way, I started poking around. Thanks to Kaypacha and his weekly Pele Report, I learned that Dark Moon Lilith is in transit through Virgo. What? Well – he describes it best, but this positioning brings up all kinds of repressed and denied emotions. “The Dark Moon has also been defined as the apogee of the Moon’s orbit, or that point in the orbit farthest from the Earth.” The Dark Moon Lilith is a representation of the feminine, the emotional, and the underworld or the darkness that exists within the mind. It draws up all those feels I was talking about earlier. This occurrence in the orbit runs through the zodiac and as it’s now in Virgo – the analytical, precision based, and observant aspect of the mind. Put analytical habits up against the feels and you get some serious introspection and reflection.. you start to analyze the feels… and if you’re not in balance or careful, your analysis can create more painful feels… that’s a cycle… What this transition typically draws up are confrontations with our senses of worth or usefulness. We’re collectively taking on the burdens of feeling as though we’re not useful either in work, relationships, or morally. That’s some shit… isn’t it? By then bringing this conversation into my classes, I now feel confident that this is a collective experience. I have the impression that this thing I’m going through is not unique to me. That we all may be butting heads with our subconscious, with our feels, with our shadows and that it’s time now to learn how to dance. It’s time to turn the page and change with the changing of the ages into a new, free, and grounded version of ourselves. To do this, we have to slow down and we have to feel. We have to be willing to get in the water and learn to swim. It’s not easy, it’s not pretty, but it’s powerful transformation if you’re willing to do it. And I know you are and can.
“The Dark Moon describes our relationship to the absolute, to sacrifice as such, and shows how we let go. In transit, the Dark Moon indicates some form of castration or frustration, frequently in the areas of desire, a powerlessness of the psyche, or a general inhibition. On the other hand, it shows where we question ourselves, our lives, our jobs, and our beliefs. I feel this is important, since it gives us the opportunity to “let go” of something. The Dark Moon shows where we can let the Whole flow into our selves, without putting an “I” in the way, without putting up a wall in the form of ego. At the same time, it doesn’t indicate passivity – on the contrary – it symbolizes the firm will to be open and trusting, to let the Greater World flow through one, relying entirely on the great laws of the universe, on that which we name God. To prepare us for this opening, the Dark Moon creates a necessary void.”
Take a breath.
You have all you need to complete this task (and all the tasks on your list). Remember to meditate. Remember to come to your mat to feel whole. Remember to come to your breath. And, above all, remember that you are not alone.